Trauma of infertility is worse than cancer, says Winston:
The emotional pain of infertile patients is often greater than that experienced by people with cancer, he said, yet there is still a widespread assumption that they are not deserving of therapy on the NHS.
While we haven't had to deal with cancer in our lives together, I can attest to the fact that infertility has had a devastating effect on us emotionally. Two years spent waiting a couple weeks at a time, only to get yet another negative (or worse, positive, but only for a little while) has really taken its toll on us. You start to wonder what you've done wrong, what in your past was so awful and terrible to deserve such a fate. I'm sure cancer patients often have the same thoughts. And, then, of course, life decides to kick you while you're down.
Why do we keep going in the face of all the failure we have had so far? I am really not sure if I could not tell you. It's almost a habit now; the fertility center is just one of our usual hangouts these days. I can hardly remember life without it anymore.
People will try to be comforting. "It will happen." "Don't worry." "Just stop trying so hard and relax." And, of course, the always popular "Why don't you just adopt?" and "Maybe it's God's will". I'll spare you my rant on those for the moment. While we try very hard to look beyond the words themselves and see that these people have good intentions, it's not always easy. It can often be very difficult to bite back responses of "Don't you think we've already tried that?!" to the many reproductive suggestions that we have gotten.
Ultimately, while we do honestly appreciate the effort to sympathize, unless you have gone through it yourself, you truely just cannot understand what it's like.
He told The Times: “In my early days, I was doing a lot of the work that all young doctors do, which included cancer patients. It always struck me that although cancer patients were often highly distressed, they live with the hope that they might get better.
“Infertility patients don’t always have that hope. They realise that most of the time the treatment doesn’t work, or that they won’t be able to afford it. A lot of people when you really question them — both women and men — are hugely destabilised about being infertile. There is a deep-seated grief. They may not show it publicly, but it is greatly damaging.”
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You must be absolutely right.
I always wanted to have children. And I still want to. Hey, I'm just 26 so there's still loads of time for me. But I have felt a lot of stress when thinking about 'What if I suffer from infertility?' Just thinking about it made me very very sad and stressed out. So actualy KNOWING you are, must be a tremendous pain. Especialy when you so badly want a family, like I do, like you do. I actualy came to realise this load of stress it puts on you when my lady all of a sudden had a very early miscariage. We didn't even know she was pregnant. It was very sad in some way ofcourse, but also I was so tremendously relieved to know that I'm actualy fertile. The stresslevel went down so much at that point. Badly wanting a family and not knowing if it will actualy ever be possible... that's a killer.
I wish you all the best of luck in your journey.
"[U]nless you have gone through it yourself, you truely just cannot understand what it's like."
I mean, couldn't someone say that about any problem, large or small?
You frequently vent about how infertility sucks, but don't really explain *why* something like the suggestion of adoption is such a painful affront to you and your wife.
Having never dealt with the problem myself (still single), I think it would be informative to learn more about the experience.
I just read a post ( http://www.jennsjournal.net/archives/2006/02/victory_is_mine_1.php ) over at Jenn's blog that reminded me again of what a good guy you really are. It also prompted me to check over to your blog, because based on what an uplifting gesture that was you did for Jenn and your family I thought "I bet he's posting again" and sure enough, here you are.
Given the comments you've received thus far on this post it's funny (and sad) you even mentioned trying to take ignorant and insensitive comments in the best light possible. There's so much I would like to say in response to these two comments, but I will try to be brief and only say a few things.
Infertility in a marriage is not about which body isn't working the way we would like. It's not he's infertile or she's infertile. The whole family is suffering from infertility. A person in a marriage can't just say "I'm fine, infertility is my spouse's problem." In a marriage that just doesn't work.
When my husband and I discovered we would have to deal with infertility we decided to pursue adoption first. My husband's adopted and perhaps that made the option a little less scary for us. Long story, but we ended up not adopting and were eventually able to conceive and carry the son that we have now who is about to turn two. I say all that as a preface to this comment. It always amazes me that in my experience the only people who suggested adoption to me as in "Why don't you just adopt" were people that had not even tried to start building their family yet (i.e. single or married and not interested in children yet) or people who had never had to seriously consider adoption as one of the only ways they would be able to build their family (i.e. very fertile people). I didn't receive that suggestion from people who had adopted. I didn't receive that suggestion from people who were struggling with infertility.
Adoption is incredibly difficult and extremely invasive. And it's not like you just pop back to being just like the fertile couple once you bring your child home. There are life long issues with adoption. Adoption is hard and it is not the right choice for everyone. How a couple chooses to build their family is a very personal decision. When the traditional option for family building is ripped away from you and all the other options are riddled with scarring difficulties, you quickly realize that you had no idea what infertility was like and that it is not as simple as "Why don't you just adopt."
I think the hardest part for my husband and I after two miscarriages is the insensitivity of people in general even family members seem rather insensitive. Like the saying is you really don't know until you have walked in someone else's shoes. I don't know if we will ever have children but I truly would never wish the anger, bitterness, resentment from other peoples rude comments and heartache my husband and I have dealt with on anyone.