My Happy Thought

While I do not think anybody will call it the greatest movie of all time, Hook is always going to be on my list of favorites. I remember seeing it in the theater when I was younger; I would have been about 13 at the time. While I cannot recall ever seeking it out specifically, it is one of those movies that, if I stumble across it on television somewhere, I will end up watching it. Robin Williams, Dustin Hoffman, and Bob Hoskins among others are wonderful in their roles, and it is just a darned entertaining movie.

But that is not why I am writing about it tonight. One specific scene from the movie has always stuck in my head. While searching for his happy thought so that he can fly again, Peter finds an old teddy bear (I can not seem to remember if it belonged to Michael or John) and starts telling Tinkerbell about why he left Neverland: because he wanted to be a father. That scene has always gotten an emotional reaction out of me, even when I was a kid. I imagine that was the director's intention.

For a long time, I have wanted to be a father myself. I doubt I would be able to remember when I first thought about it; it has always just been there in the back of my mind, as it is for many guys, I am sure. I was not planning on seeking it out specifically, but I figured it would happen eventually. Grow older, get married, and have kids. That is just how it works, right? As my wife and I have discovered, that is hardly a certainty.

Initially, the infertility treatments were not too bad. I tried to maintain a postitive outlook. A couple cycles of treatment should be enough to kick-start the reproductive process. After four cycles of treatment, reality started to set in. I could not avoid thinking that one awful thought anymore.

Maybe I don't get to be a father.

And that was one of the worst moments of my life. It took me a while to tell Jenn about what was on my mind. She had (and still has) more than enough to worry about on her own. She does not need my worries stacking on top of hers.

Well, now the team and I have managed to knock her up. While we are certainly not out of the woods yet, I find that I can finally be positive about things again.

Maybe, just maybe, I will get to be a father after all.

And that scene from the movie really punctuated that for me. So much emotion that has been welling up inside me just started pouring out. I am man enough to admit that I was pretty much sobbing. Even thinking about it now a couple hours later still brings the tears out in force. Assuming luck and any and all higher powers are on our side, it will have taken over two years, but it will be worth it in the end.

I will get to hold my own happy thought in my arms, and maybe I'll be able to fly too.